အပြစ်ခံစားမှု
For the first time in two weeks I felt like my prayer had finally been answered. I usually hate getting out of bed early in the morning, especially when it is raining. But today I had the pleasure of staying in bed for as long as I wanted. I took this rare opportunity with a cup of hot coffee, stayed under my blanket, and listened to the raindrops falling outside. It was a truly cozy feeling.
And since the Buddhist Lent has started, I can only teach my nephew on Sundays, so today I had quite a bit of free time. I spent half of the day in bed, surfing the web, watching a few comedy clips on social media and YouTube. I also downloaded some songs and built an offline music library. Yet, somewhere in the background, my subconscious mind kept telling me to study but I ignored it. I have got an exam on Tuesday, homework, and a writing assignment, but I have not touched any of them today. Now, as the day has drawn to an end, I am feeling uneasy. A sense of guilt is creeping in, and it’s overwhelming.
Today after lunch I went to see some friends. We sat down at a teashop in Yan-Kin and talked about politics, the failing sense of ethics, and the lack of a proper code of conduct in our society. While we were discussing these topics, I ended up telling them about a jacket story that happened twelve years ago today.
It was December, the days were cold, and I didn’t bring warm clothes with me. The host family where I was staying kindly lent me a jacket that had once belonged to their son. I was thankful and wore it. A few days later I moved in with another friend and took the jacket with me. On my last day, I left the jacket with my friend and asked her to return it to the host family I had stayed with originally.
Four years later I returned and stayed with the same host family once again. That night over dinner the wife brought up the jacket she had lent me four years ago. I was rather confused but I didn’t explain myself. Besides, she didn’t accuse me of taking it so I didn’t feel the need to justify it. My conscience was clear then. A few days later, just like before, I moved in with another friend and stayed with her until my departure. On the last day, when I was about to leave, she returned the jacket to me, saying that I had left it with her four years ago. Obviously she misunderstood my message to send the jacket back to the host family and had kept it safe for me all those years.
That was when I finally realised why the host family mentioned the jacket. Sadly, it was too late. I didn’t have enough time to go back and return it. And since I had no choice, I unwillingly took it with me. I had every intention of sending the jacket back to them, but the right moment never came. Days turned into months, then years, and then COVID came, followed by the coup, and the jacket stayed with me, tucked away in the suitcase, left untouched all those years.
Sadly, I lost all my belongings last year, and that jacket was among them. I often feel I want to write a letter to the host family and tell them what really happened. To tell them that I never kept their jacket with the intention of claiming it as mine, and that I always wanted to return it, but lost it last year. I don’t know how they would react. Would they still remember it? Would they understand?
Part of me thinks perhaps it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, as it has been years and it might be better not to stir up the past. On the other hand, I don’t want them to believe that I was ungracious, took their kindness for granted, or stole their son’s jacket. Although it has been twelve years now, every time I think about it or tell my friends, the feelings are still fresh. I am still trapped in this guilt.